Well, folks, I'm not going to college. This flaming faith, a faith more blazing than minimalism, has been consuming everything, from half of my wardrobe (in bags at salvation army), to my iPad (sold to a best friend - part of the agreement is I'm not allowed to use it), to my life plans. College. College.
I have no logical defense. God merely said no. I'd like to say I merely said, "So be it," but my head has been churning with questions.
God, don't you know the state of the economy?
God, what if I don't want to work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life?
God, what about all my Potential? What about all the people cheering me on to do Great Things?
God, what if I spend the rest of my life upstairs in my parents' house? As much as I love my family, I want to grow up, become a Woman, leap off the cliff and build my wings on the way down.
God, on second thought, I want to stay at least 100 ft away from all cliffs at all moments.
God, who needs wings? I just want a lifetime supply of food and water, a bottle of vitamin D oil, and a safe in which to lock myself.
What am I supposed to do with my life?
But He laughs. He is so big and so beautiful. I laugh too, because my questions doesn't matter, they're just noise. I want my life to be more than noise. My life will be worship.
When I think about God's warriors, King David and Queen Esther and Ruth and Paul and Jesus' disciples, I realize I am on a greater mission than self-cultivation. Perhaps living on the edge just as they did is what God has for me, a life lived without any security other than the security of my Lord Jesus Christ, a wild adventure, a glorious romance between me and my Creator. I could live fully at college, but God has closed that door for now. He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.
Don't fool yourself. Don't think that you can be wise merely by being up-to-date with the times. Be God's fool—that's the path to true wisdom. What the world calls smart, God calls stupid.
1 Corinthians 3:18-20, The Message translation
It's okay to break the rules. Every society has an unsinkable Path to Success, but there is only one way to my Lord, and that is through Jesus Christ. And if He calls me to be His fool, silly and useless in the eyes of the world, I will yet follow Him. It is good for me to be humbled. God has something else for me, and I trust Him.
I realize that when Jesus said to the rich young ruler, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me" (Luke 8:22), He actually meant sell everything. Give everything. And following Him isn't comfortable, can't be lived out in a pew or under a graduation cap, and won't make me fabulous and successful and gorgeous. He isn't safe.
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
from the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
I wrote a prayer yearning for dissatisfaction with American Dream. I wrote, "May I fall off the first rung of the Ladder of Success so I can move on with my life and serve." Maybe that's what's happening. Be careful what you pray. God might just answer you.
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien